So one of the things about me (and I do stress ONE, not the only one, not the defining one) is that I have "fertility issues".
I want to fall pregnant but after almost 3 years of trying I am not/ have not been and am not any closer to being pregnant.
I have done the devil-in-a-pill hormone treatments with no results. I have the surgery scars and the insane doctor's bills. I have the lingo down, and the on-line support groups.
At the moment I am on a health induced break. 6 months off. Which has got me thinking... I think alot, some like to call it indecision - I prefer to think of it as careful choice. I rarely change my mind once I have decided something, but getting to the point of a committed decision can be a round about journey.
For many people - hell for most people - having a baby is a simple decision. Sometimes they are pregnant already and making a decision to keep a child or just going off birth control. They never really appreciate the crazy circling questions 3 years can give you.
Like: do I want a baby? I am happy. It is a decision I made to be happy where I am, I also feel happy. I get to do all the things parents miss. I can sleep late, eat late, go to gym at night. I have impractical furniture and white towels. I know these things seem superficial and they are but they are also part of my lifestyle.
Most of the "fertile" people I know, considered these things briefly and then plunged headlong into having a baby. They got to land on the cushion of excitiment at being pregnant and the whirlwind of actually having a baby. The lifestyle losses are easy to weigh up against a smiling child. I have no smiling baby, so at times my scale gets a little skewed.
What about the question: should I actually have a baby? Is God trying to tell me no and I am not listening? Don't get me wrong I asked Him first, I ask Him still. While I have never had a definate "No", I have never had a definate "yes" from Him iether. Am I swimming up stream cause struggle makes you stronger, or am I just going the wrong way?
Self-Help Stumbling Blocks and How to Overcome Them
10 months ago
Hmmmm...I must say, I have debated these questions as well. Welcome to the land of bloggers..smile
ReplyDeleteI totally relate. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wonder if this just isn't my path? But see, we wouldn't be wondering this if we were pregnant instantly, would we?
ReplyDeleteOne day we will know why we have been given these challenges, it will all make sense then. But it ain't today!
PS Welcome to Blog land :-)
ReplyDeleteMm.. I have asked myself those same questions over and over - and I have handed them over to the Gods. Heavens knows that I am petrified of the answer. In my heart, I want to be a mom, but what if it isn't what my 'destiny' is.. Too scary to contemplate!
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