My son

Jack… Jack is the name of the son I may never have.

I wanted to put it out there – incase I never get to actually say it. I know many of you wouldn’t understand, I also know some of you will have tears in your eyes reading it.

I just wanted to be able to say it one time.

As a young child, I played moms& babies with my best friend. I was always the mom. As I grew up, life became complicated with my own mom. I vowed off having any kids, if it meant I was end up parenting like she did.

When my BSS Hubby proposed – I told him this “I don’t think or know if I will want children – if you foresee a life with kids, take back the ring. No harm, no foul.”

But cause he is a Bright Shiny Star – he said no. He said he wanted me, whatever I did or didn’t come with. :D I am glad he choose that then – given where we are now. I never have to wonder if he should have married someone else and had kids.

6 years ago – I met my niece. She changed how I saw parenthood and having children. She is amazing. I get to spend a heap of time with her, I get to pseudo-parent. It made me want more, it made me want to do it full-time.

When we started this TTC journey – I could see it in my head. I could see me holding a baby boy. I could see him when he was older, I was washing dishes – he was playing in the back garden. Those were the pictures I kept in front of me on the days when I wanted to give up. My hubby and I talked about kids, about what we would call them.

Jack.

It was/is the perfect name. Strong and masculine, cause he would have his daddy’s magnetism and leadership, a good meaning (I am a firm believer in naming people for purpose). It is fun and uncomplicated – it is everything I wanted for him.

So I wanted to put it out there – just one time. Because the pictures of him, have gone. I used to call them up at will, now when I try – I get a blank picture. They have faded out – maybe the dream is fading, maybe my heart can’t bear looking at it anymore.

But before he is gone for good – I want you to meet him. He has his dad’s piercing blue eyes, he has my brother’s pure blonde hair, and he has my dad’s laugh.

As odd as it may sound – I love him and I miss him.

what to do? what to do?

So one of the things about me (and I do stress ONE, not the only one, not the defining one) is that I have "fertility issues".

I want to fall pregnant but after almost 3 years of trying I am not/ have not been and am not any closer to being pregnant.

I have done the devil-in-a-pill hormone treatments with no results. I have the surgery scars and the insane doctor's bills. I have the lingo down, and the on-line support groups.

At the moment I am on a health induced break. 6 months off. Which has got me thinking... I think alot, some like to call it indecision - I prefer to think of it as careful choice. I rarely change my mind once I have decided something, but getting to the point of a committed decision can be a round about journey.

For many people - hell for most people - having a baby is a simple decision. Sometimes they are pregnant already and making a decision to keep a child or just going off birth control. They never really appreciate the crazy circling questions 3 years can give you.

Like: do I want a baby? I am happy. It is a decision I made to be happy where I am, I also feel happy. I get to do all the things parents miss. I can sleep late, eat late, go to gym at night. I have impractical furniture and white towels. I know these things seem superficial and they are but they are also part of my lifestyle.

Most of the "fertile" people I know, considered these things briefly and then plunged headlong into having a baby. They got to land on the cushion of excitiment at being pregnant and the whirlwind of actually having a baby. The lifestyle losses are easy to weigh up against a smiling child. I have no smiling baby, so at times my scale gets a little skewed.

What about the question: should I actually have a baby? Is God trying to tell me no and I am not listening? Don't get me wrong I asked Him first, I ask Him still. While I have never had a definate "No", I have never had a definate "yes" from Him iether. Am I swimming up stream cause struggle makes you stronger, or am I just going the wrong way?