what to do? what to do?

So one of the things about me (and I do stress ONE, not the only one, not the defining one) is that I have "fertility issues".

I want to fall pregnant but after almost 3 years of trying I am not/ have not been and am not any closer to being pregnant.

I have done the devil-in-a-pill hormone treatments with no results. I have the surgery scars and the insane doctor's bills. I have the lingo down, and the on-line support groups.

At the moment I am on a health induced break. 6 months off. Which has got me thinking... I think alot, some like to call it indecision - I prefer to think of it as careful choice. I rarely change my mind once I have decided something, but getting to the point of a committed decision can be a round about journey.

For many people - hell for most people - having a baby is a simple decision. Sometimes they are pregnant already and making a decision to keep a child or just going off birth control. They never really appreciate the crazy circling questions 3 years can give you.

Like: do I want a baby? I am happy. It is a decision I made to be happy where I am, I also feel happy. I get to do all the things parents miss. I can sleep late, eat late, go to gym at night. I have impractical furniture and white towels. I know these things seem superficial and they are but they are also part of my lifestyle.

Most of the "fertile" people I know, considered these things briefly and then plunged headlong into having a baby. They got to land on the cushion of excitiment at being pregnant and the whirlwind of actually having a baby. The lifestyle losses are easy to weigh up against a smiling child. I have no smiling baby, so at times my scale gets a little skewed.

What about the question: should I actually have a baby? Is God trying to tell me no and I am not listening? Don't get me wrong I asked Him first, I ask Him still. While I have never had a definate "No", I have never had a definate "yes" from Him iether. Am I swimming up stream cause struggle makes you stronger, or am I just going the wrong way?