Health Break

Like I said in yesterday's post. I am on a "trying for a baby" break due to health issues.

So what is wrong with me? Good question. Some doctors are happy to call it Lupus, some are not. For you general knowledge - SLE Systemic lupus erythematosus (I call it my Wolf, Lupus is Latin for wolf) is very hard to get a firm "yes" or "no" on. It is a autoimmune disease - one which requires a certain genetic make up and a trigger.

It works like this - imagine your immune cells are soliders. I produce too many soliders, and we all know what happens when you have groups of bored soliders. They start picking on civilians. So for lack of an infection or disease to fight - my immune cells will pick on/ attack normal healthy cells. So I am unbalanced (people have been telling me that for years) this unbalance exists in all my body "systems", immunity, fertility... you get the idea.

Add it to the list of ways my body hates me :P. My IF sisters will know exactly how that feels.

Let me say this. I am beyond lucky! The Wolf effects each person in a different way. Most of my "imbalances" are border line.

In December I started to feel run down. Not clever on my part. See my Wolf always walks with me - give him an opening and he will bite. So don't push too hard, don't get too tired or catch a cold. Some of you might think I have lost it - personifying a disease, but it helps. It helps me to visualise it, when I need to fight. It helps me to remember not to push too hard, when I am feeling good. It helps make rational an irrational circumstance.

Yes, it is irrational - a genetic disposition existed in me before I was born. Before I could do "right or wrong", before I could deserve this creature. It took me a lot of tears to get here. I will not cry the "why me" 's anymore. It is what it is - I do not know why, I can not change it (it is incurable at present) so I am left with the option of dealing with it.

But I digress - back to December. I started feeling run down - I got weak and the Wolf got a good grip. My flare-ups are generally short (2-4 days). Maybe it was the hormone treatments, maybe I was pushing too hard in work. Whatever the reason the flare never went down. I steadied myself; I kept going (it is my nature to carry on "boer maak a plan" kinda girl). I got weaker. Why carry on? Cause the drugs that help - don't make babies, unless I want one with 3 heads. I had one more course of hormone drugs to try. Drugs that take a physical toll themselves.

I kept hanging on physically so that I could carry on with fertility treatments. But at the begining of Jan I knew I had done myself in. I was the weakest I have ever been. The hormone drugs didn't work - and at that point I have to say what I felt was relief not sadness. I could take a break - I could get the neuropathic drugs I needed to help fight the Wolf.

So here I am getting better. I am still weak, but getting better. The drugs were too strong to simply start at the right dosage, I have to work my way up there. I still have days where I feel weak, but now they are days, before they were weeks.

So now you know, you know what few people around me get to know. You get to know the bad days, I think that makes us friends :D.