Shiny Happy Cherryred :D

Oh my. I cannot believe how long it is since I have been able to do a post?!?! I know you have all been in desperate need of further Cherryred rantings ;)

It has been madness for me in a 50/50 split between good and bad. A quick catch up (deep breath) thegeyserburst/allthreecathadtogotothevet/BSSHubby&Igotsick/thestoveexploded…twice (damn I can’t make it in one breath) Ihad2differentauditsatwork/mydirectbossiscrackingunderthepressureandactingcrazy

Shew, now I can take my time with the 50% positive. Actually if I have to give it weight, the good far outweighs the bad (but in terms of actual events they are 50/50). Besides having a BSS hubby, other good things are: I got to see one of my friends who is out from overseas (YAY), I have managed to save some cash (YAY), I am feeling 100% better, no more dodgy lupus fatigue (DOUBLE YAY).

I went to an Art lecture, and then had to do a teaching on creativity. God blew my mind! I have learnt so much. I have reached a place where I am so secure in my soul of God and His loving nature, that all that (two breath) bad, well it just isn’t important.

Stay with me, I am not saying that most of it didn’t hurt my wallet, and yes some of it hurt my heart – but I can truly stand and transparently say “It is well with my soul”. Yay me!

I discovered that there is an entire study avenue called Theological Aesthetics - God in Art. Oh why did no-one tell me this before??? I have discovered entire sections of the world population that think like me. This is not something that happens often for me :D – I am the less then 10% girl. Truly if something happens to/occurs to less then 10% of people, I have probably encountered it. This is not all entirely bad, I have got to do/see/realize things that 90% of the world might not. Of course it also handed me Lupus and Polycystic Ovaries. Ah well good with the bad.

On a completely random note: I am considering going into teaching. I have an English Degree and so would just need a 1 year post grad to be qualified. I could do Unisa, but then I need to arrange my own Prac’s (which I am given to understand is difficult) I could do 1 year full time, but how will I eat?

Below I have copied part of an email around my teaching of creativity. You’ll have to tell me if you want the long version.

“Go check out http://www.muralmosaic.com/kunamokst.html . Awesome mural, which highlights the point : It is our lives that are supposed to be the lived out works of art. Francis Shaeffer.

or as I put it in a far less eloquent way:

What makes this mural incredibly special is that it is actually made up of 231 individual pictures. Canadian artists were given a panel with a colour wash on it. They were asked to keep within the tonal range (warm vs cool colours) they had received, but that they could paint anything they wanted that depicted life in Canada. They didn’t know what the overall image was, they didn’t know what any of the other artists were doing.

It should be a mess, but it works. It works because one person could see the overall design. It works because the artists did what was asked of them in their 30x30cm squares. They didn’t freak out that the person next to them was painting with orange and they were using blue. They didn’t withdraw from the project because their style was simplistic and other people were capable of high realism.

Be secure in the fact that God designed you to share in His creativity. Work with what God gave you, He has the overall design. Don't worry about being like the person next to you. They are busy with their square, enjoy doing yours.”

Craaazy busy

Crazy Busy … doesn’t even come close to what I have been. My poor BSS Hubby suggested that we should see a movie (on Tues) I had to tell him, I could pencil him in on Sunday night – but only provisionally cause I didn’t know if I would still be conscious at that point!

I am proud to announce….. 5.9kgs lighter! Whhhhoooooooooooop whooooooooop!!!!

I am down a dress size :) Gym (I ate healthy anyway) and again CRAZY busy, which adds to the exercise.

So what have I been doing? Well the maid is on holiday :( , so ironing now joins my list. Thankfully BSS Hubby does most of the cleaning and cooking and no you can’t have him – he is allllllllllll mine.

I was doing a teaching for church on creativity – I will share some of it with you next week. So I have been reading up and writing out, changing my mind and starting again ...

I am under mountains of paper at work and set for 2 audits shortly. I cannot even begin to tell you how much that makes me want to run away and live the rest of my life on a hippy commune.

At night I have started a course about restoring Family Relationships. Which is hectic stuff. I shall be finished that by Sunday. Oh who am I kidding I’ll just be finished by Sunday!

Hope you are all having a less insane week.

Laugh/Cry

Ah me it is a "laugh about it or you will cry about it" time.

A few months ago one of my cats got sick - they couldn't tell me what was wrong and in the end they couldn't save her. On Sunday night my absolute favourite furry-baby started getting sick (the same symptoms). She spent Monday with the vet, again they couldn't tell me what was wrong. Thankfully she pulled through and is now getting better - but my wallet is lighter for the experience :P.

Last night I was so tired, but BSS Hubby wanted to watch a programme, so we stayed up. Which turned out to be a good thing cause otherwise we would have been fast asleep when the geyser burst...

I have just been going through my diary (counting my cycle days - cause that is how us IF sisters roll) and I realised that I have messed up my cycle count. I then realised that it doesn't matter... I didn't know if I should have been relieved cause it didn't matter or sad that it didn't matter.

Bits of me

I am having an introspective day – brought on by a discussion with my BFF regarding karmic consequence and a sever lack of sleep.

I am (by Meyers-Briggs standards) an INTJ. We are rare (apparently) Introvert, Intuitive, Thinking, Judgementals. While, like all “test” the results do not define a person, some of the characteristics do ring very true for me.

I put some of them down here:

“many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality”

It is true, I have always, from as young as I can remember, held fairy unconventional views or ways of looking at things. This does not always make for easy conversations. So I learnt to take my first view of a situation and then think “what would someone else see?”. It was a difficult process to learn – but I have to say I am grateful. It taught me that people are different; people see different things in the same situation. Sometimes all people need is affirmation that what they see is there/important, in order for them to listen to what you see.

“Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously”

Irony. She is a b*tch, but I love her :D

“INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest.”

See this little gem was what sparked one of the conversations with BFF. She questioned why it was, that I was a control freak (I am, I can’t help it) and yet was so eternally prepared to accept people as they are. Firstly, cause controlling people… is just mean.

The main reason is cause I am an introspective person – I look inside first, before looking at external factors. So the thing I seek to control is me, my reactions, my behaviour. Not you. Realizing my potential, upholding my social responsibilities, bettering myself or seeking my true self – these are things I am responsible for. You are responsible for yours. Which means I can accept people regardless of where they are.

The downside is – I get mad. REALLY mad at people that, I deem, should be better then they are. Leaders who are greedy. Caregivers who are cruel. Judges who are … well stupid. Passivity in the face of injustice is not my strong suite, I have lost friends for it, I have lost jobs for it. To do “nothing” takes me putting aside a part of myself. The part that screams “Put on your Big Girl Pants, and take a look at yourself!”

Those that can do – should. Period. Don’t tell me it isn’t your job, your town, your problem. We all share this world… give this sleepy INTJ a break and do your part.

My son

Jack… Jack is the name of the son I may never have.

I wanted to put it out there – incase I never get to actually say it. I know many of you wouldn’t understand, I also know some of you will have tears in your eyes reading it.

I just wanted to be able to say it one time.

As a young child, I played moms& babies with my best friend. I was always the mom. As I grew up, life became complicated with my own mom. I vowed off having any kids, if it meant I was end up parenting like she did.

When my BSS Hubby proposed – I told him this “I don’t think or know if I will want children – if you foresee a life with kids, take back the ring. No harm, no foul.”

But cause he is a Bright Shiny Star – he said no. He said he wanted me, whatever I did or didn’t come with. :D I am glad he choose that then – given where we are now. I never have to wonder if he should have married someone else and had kids.

6 years ago – I met my niece. She changed how I saw parenthood and having children. She is amazing. I get to spend a heap of time with her, I get to pseudo-parent. It made me want more, it made me want to do it full-time.

When we started this TTC journey – I could see it in my head. I could see me holding a baby boy. I could see him when he was older, I was washing dishes – he was playing in the back garden. Those were the pictures I kept in front of me on the days when I wanted to give up. My hubby and I talked about kids, about what we would call them.

Jack.

It was/is the perfect name. Strong and masculine, cause he would have his daddy’s magnetism and leadership, a good meaning (I am a firm believer in naming people for purpose). It is fun and uncomplicated – it is everything I wanted for him.

So I wanted to put it out there – just one time. Because the pictures of him, have gone. I used to call them up at will, now when I try – I get a blank picture. They have faded out – maybe the dream is fading, maybe my heart can’t bear looking at it anymore.

But before he is gone for good – I want you to meet him. He has his dad’s piercing blue eyes, he has my brother’s pure blonde hair, and he has my dad’s laugh.

As odd as it may sound – I love him and I miss him.

Online! ... and some poetry

I will confess to being in a rather, well, shatty mood. I am tired, my finger hurts (broke the nail off so low it bled), my internet server has been down all week and I am constantly being let down by contractors!

Perhaps AF is round the corner - which would make for a pleasant surprise considering I am sitting on CD50+

I mentioned last time that I had had some poetry published. I will now make a terrible confession - I rarely hang onto them! I try - they are on bits of paper all over the house. See I don't re-write or edit - at least not poetry. When I write poems they are short, quick and raw. I personally think that is half the appeal of them. I generally feel the need to write poetry - when something painful is happening. Smooth editorial polishing, never really does pain justice.

I did manage to find two of them that I had emailed to friends (at their request - I am not in the habbit of badgering people with poetry for the hell of it).



To my Uncreated Child

I hold you close
But only in my dreams

Because dreams are all I have

No waking cries
No sunlit face
Perhaps the world will turn.

Till then my love stay safe
Wherever you may be
Till then I'll wait
Till then I'll dream

Because dreams are all I have.



This next one I wrote the day my BSS Hubby's gran died. She was a tough old lady, who had survived alot of terrible things and took no cr@p from anyone - I love and miss her still


To One Well Loved

Myra died today - stop the world for mourning!
The sun grow dark and sea tides still,
For great a soul is lost.
But the sun still shines and birds still sing
The milk in the fridge still turning.
Silent, uniform, screaming hearts
Shattered with the burden,
Knowing Myra died today - and the world won't stop its turning



Both of these have been published in different anthologies (for the record I retained and still do retain all copywrites for both pieces. I hate having to include things like that cause it makes you seem uptight, but sadly people steal.)

ssh don't tell...

I am writing a story – it might be a book (sssh! Don’t scare it), for now it is a story. Nay, I am not a delusional sit-on-the-couch-all-day “I am working” writer. I have a job. One that pays me, and has (sadly) nothing to do with writing.

I am a published poet. I have an English degree. I offer that info up to you in the hope that is somehow qualifies me to put together sentences; without bringing about some cataclysmic turn of events that ends the world, or worse persuades people that clowns truly are entertaining. These are the thin barriers erected to keep out the whispering darkness of: who do you think you are, Jane Austen? Hands off the keyboard, slowly, before you hurt yourself.

“Only idiots write for free” – that little gem was offered by a lecturer during a writing seminar. She proposed that if you were going to write, you should only do so in a way that saw money in the bank. It is good in theory, but all it successfully did was made me feel like an idiot. I take solace in the fact that she is not the only one to have achieved this :D.

Ahem, my poetry has never paid the bills. But seeing it in black & white, sniffing the red leather hardcover – it was worth it. (I know I am not the only book-lover who has sniffed a cover, I know I’m not… am I?). For that matter my artworks have never paid the big bills, only some of the smaller ones. Selling my pieces was more of an exercise in ensuring that my house did not become a parody of Ninja Warrior. An insane Japanese TV show where contestants negotiate obstacles (built with little or no regard for any Health & Safety policy), resulting in hours of bone-breaking entertainment. When someone falls face-first into a wall, I laugh – I cannot excuse myself, it is terrible, and yet funny as hell.

So why am I writing? Truthfully? Cause I can.
Why this story? Well it is a genre I enjoy. I read all the good books that are currently out there, yet I wasn’t ready to let this world go. So I am writing another one, for me to read. Maybe one day you will get to read it too…